my beliefs are to do whatever you want. be spontaneous and free and brave and happy and sad and angry and upset and lazy and active and lost and whatever the fuck else. experience life, don’t read about it in a book. go out there and do something, change something, fix something, improve something. no matter how insignificant you think it is. do drugs and expand your mind; protest drug use. listen to music and play an instrument, sneak out at night and have some fun. keep a journal or mentally log all of your memories. make memories. live a life you could write an honest autobiography about. make other people want to write biographies about you. be interesting. be introveted. be one person one day, and another person the next. shave your head, get extensions, pierce your eyebrow. be different, be a conformist.

be whatever the fuck you want to be. don’t let anyone hold you back, and don’t compromise your dreams. be selfish sometimes. love yourself always

highs
drunken adventures on my birthday, being in love with him, valentine’s day, burning for the first time, new friendships, good grades, camera, broadening of interests, coming out of my shell

lows
summer, family, break ups, stuff not working out, long nights crying, razorblades, family, blah blah blah

i wrote an actual post for this day but tumblr is sucking and it didn’t post and i don’t feel like typing it again so fuck whatever

no one. i hate every single one of you.

i don’t like this day

i was probably three or four, because it was before my dad was bed-ridden. i think it was christmas morning and he was sitting at the kitchen table smoking a cigarette. i liked the way the end lit up red when he inhaled, so i went over and touched it. i burned my finger, obviously, and cried and cried. and then he played my old pretty pretty princess game i had with me, and he wore the crown and the clip on earrings and everything was okay

anywhere. everywhere. there’s so much out there and i feel constricted in this fucking town. i want to go on road trips and live off of uncooked ramen and water. i want to experience and not be held back. i want to go to other countries and learn languages and adopt cultures. i want to spend all of my money on polaroid film and take pictures so i can have memories of all the cool shit i did. i want stories to tell my children, and their children.

i want to stop sounding like a dirty hippie whenever i talk about this shit

• woke up
• went to dunkins and got an iced coffee and gingerbread donut
• bought shit at target
• came home
• got ditched more or less
• watched harry potter and the order of the phoenix
• sarah came over
• got picked up and went to tom’s
• got dropped off because they didn’t want us there? or something
• was pissed
• came home and my mom was a bitch to me
• went up to my bedroom
• sarah went home ‘cause i was in a bad mood
• put on led zeppelin
• finished this list

boring life all day every day

1. i will - the beatles

i love this song. it’s cute and simple and makes me feel happy. anything beatles is awesome. besides revolution 9. fuck revolution 9.

2. our lawyer made us change the name of this song so we wouldn’t get sued - fall out boy

fall out boy will always be one of my favorite bands regardless of other people’s opinions. futct is an album i’ve been listening to for years and it’s familiar and comfortable

3. little miss lover - the jimi hendrix experience

the title of this song reminds me of certain boys who use the title “little miss ___” to describe girls. the song itself really has no meaning whatsoever but. i love jimi so

4. the man who can’t be moved - the script

this song is beautiful. the lyrics, instrumentation, everything. i don’t really listen to the script much but. it’s an okay song

5. checkmarks - the academy is…

tai… is and always will be one of my favorite bands. i’ve listened to almost here more times than i can count and each song means something different to me. it reminds me a lot of the good times in eighth grade, which is good because everything good during that time period is mostly overshadowed by the bad times.

6. hold on for your dearest life - name taken

this is a band from the bad times in eighth grade. lol i got into them from ryan ross’/jac vanek’s livejournals -_- but name taken is a good band, and hold on reminds me of nights staying awake.

7. september - earth wind & fire

okay this song is inarguably fantastic. i love disco music. this song is like, iconic of the era. the band is, too. i’m pretty sure it’s impossible to be sad and listen to this song.

8. crashing - jack’s mannequin

anything andrew mcmahon puts out is my favorite. the glass passenger is really good. i love how upbeat this song is, and the lyrics (like every other jm/soco song) are amazing

9. shhh!!! if you’re quiet, i’ll show you a dinosaur - the fall of troy

oh, tfot. this song is so angry and violent but i love it. reminds me of middle school days, and the fact i’m pretty much the only person who loves tfot for more than fucking fcpremix

10. the ocean - led zeppelin

lol, okay. one of my friends fucked a freshman in my school to this song and i can’t help but think of that whenever i hear the ocean. i like the song, but it’s just. dirty.

alright i’m just going to count my first kiss as my first kiss with my first love

my first love was ryan.
the first time we kissed, we were sitting on his couch and he brought up how he’s never kissed anyone before. the topic got into my mind and it stayed there for a couple minutes. afterwards we went into his room and we were just laying there on his bed. and he said, “i’m going to count all of the dots on my ceiling until you kiss me.” i laughed it off but he actually started counting. after he got to around 70, i got up the nerve to kiss him. everything after that was so easy and chill and i honestly loved him. we were even sweden; a term i made up. everything was neutral and there were no arguments, we just got along. that was it. we were in love and we were happy. but then things started to deteriorate. i don’t remember how or why it happened, but it did. and now we’re more or less strangers. i miss the shit out of him but i feel like things have spiraled too far out of control to ever reconcile and be friends.
i’m slowly becoming more okay with it.
the fact that even after all this time, i’m still not fully over it; it makes it hard for me to let myself love someone else. he’ll always be my first everything. and i feel like it’s making me miss out on a lot of good people and good times.

fast, painful, turbulent, bright, hazy, streetlights, talking all night, sleeping in, driving, road trips, the ocean, cigarettes and weed, blown pupils, snow, chuck taylors, bleeding fingers, video camera, stealing shit, loud, barefoot, the woods, makeup smudged from last night, strangers, partying in the city, getting lost, lying, piercings and tattoos, incense, orphan, writing, art, college, hippies, san fran, bravery, meaning, lighters, alcohol in flasks, hiding, running, escaping

etc etc

pass, again. fuck.

i’m a capricorn. according to the internet, the traits of a capricorn are:

positive Traits

• Practical and prudent
• Ambitious and disciplined
• Patient and careful
• Humorous and reserved

Negative Traits

• Pessimistic and fatalistic
• Miserly and grudging

Capricorn Likes: hot, simple food, antiques, history, duties and responsibilities, not being pressured by others, having plenty of unconditional love, lots of personal privacy, new books, and expensive gemstones.

Capricorn Dislikes:untidiness and disorder of all kinds, being teased, surprises, new ideas, loneliness, being made to feel useless or incompetent, and being embarrassed in public.

*bolded the things that are true

overall i don’t think it accurately describes me at all.
lol whatever

i’m honestly not all too interesting but here we go~

1. i always wish i was approximately 4 inches shorter than i actually am so i could wear heels without being gargantuan tall
2. it’s extremely hard for me to commit to things
3. i start to miss people easily
4. i am always really paranoid that everyone hates me, so i tend to keep to myself
5. i love christmas lights, and christmas time in general
6. anything that goes wrong in my life, i over-analyze and blow up into ridiculous proportions so that it seems apocalyptic.
7. i love to get lost. whether i’m in a car, on foot, whatever, not knowing where i am or where i’m going is my favorite
8. i’m obsessed with the beatles. call me pretentious or a hippie or whatever, but i honestly love every aspect of the music they created
9. i really can’t wait for college because i’d do a hell of a lot better in a more relaxed school enviornment, away from home
10. i love to read and watch movies, but i never seem to have the time/money/attention span to really finish anything
11. the only reason i wish i grew up in a different era is because it’s hard to live independently when everything costs so much fucking money and i get the impression it was a hell of a lot easier back in the day
12. i don’t usually have sympathy towards other people’s misfortunes. get the fuck over it and move on, although i’m mildly a hypocrite for this one
13. if i wasn’t looked at as weird or a loner or whatever, i’d kill to sit by myself at lunch. i really don’t like being with more than one person at a time
14. i’m really afraid of the dark
15. i always resort to drastic measures when i’m upset or something goes wrong, which is why i don’t like to be alone. just in case.
16. i love typewriters and i wish i owned one
17. i always get the feeling like time is running out and it gives me really bad anxiety
18. fountain pens are classy as fuck and i wish i had 30 dollars to blow on one
19. the beat generation is one of my favorite generations
20. most everything before the 1800s bores me to death
21. i wish i was native american. native american culture is so fucking cool
22. if you present yourself as dumber than you really are to other people, i will more likely than not be pissed off by your mere presence
23. when i watch a movie or read a book about a mental illness or something (i.e. schizophrenia), i get convinced in my head that i have it too
24. it’s impossible for me to take anything seriously because being serious scares the hell out of me
25. i don’t want to grow up and i feel like i am, way too fast
26. i want to have a career until i eventually have kids. stay at home mother for the win
27. i can’t wait until i can get my license and a car. ultimate sign of freedom~
28. i go apeshit when people eat with their mouths open
29. i try not to be miserable all the time (especially because i feel like i’m making people not like me) but i can’t help but feel like i’m not being myself if i’m cheery. it feels weird and foreign a lot of the time and i don’t like it
30. this was probably one of the hardest things i’ve done today and i suck at lists, the end

pass.

i hate organized religion. believing in something is amazing. as long as you find meaning behind it, more power to you. but the idea of organized religion is just. bullshit to me. like the catholic church i’m forced to go to; i’d bet my life that more than half of the people in there no longer find any meaning behind the prayers and everything else we say in unison. and most people claim to be catholic but don’t follow the ‘catholic lifestyle’. it makes me sick. like the nicene creed:

We believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, maker of heaven and earth of all that is seen and unseen. We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ, the only Son of God, eternally begotten of the Father, God from God, Light from Light, true God from true God, begotten, not made, one in Being with the Father. Through Him all things were made. For us men and for our salvation He came down from heaven; by the power of the Holy Spirit He was born of the Virgin Mary, and became man. For our sake He was crucified under Pontius Pilate; He suffered died, and was buried. On the third day He rose in fulfillment of the Scriptures; He ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father. He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead, and his kingdom will have no end. We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son. With the Father and the Son He is worshiped and glorified. He has spoken through the Prophets. We believe in one holy catholic and apostolic Church. We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins. We look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come. Amen.

this whole “we believe” shit; no. an entire room full of people cannot believe the exact same thing. unless they don’t think for themselves. they just shape their lives around someone elses words without a second thought. they stand when told, sit when told, kneel when told, respond to the priest when told. i can’t stand it. i want nothing more than to have my mom let me choose my own religion so i can be agnostic. i want my mom to accept the fact that i’m not a mindless fool like every other kid forced to go by their parents.